My Sweet Denny

My grandmother, my Denny, passed away at the beginning of August. It was not a shock–we spent the few weeks prior waiting, stuck in that terrible limbo until she finally, thankfully fell asleep–but it was still so hard. Losing both of my grandparents in less than a year and watching my mother, aunts, and uncle lose both of their parents was so hard. It's been a tough couple of years for us.

She was so loved (and so loving), and I wanted to share here the short piece I wrote for her service a few weeks ago.

My last day with Denny was at the end of June. I had been visiting for the weekend and stopped by one last time before heading out of town–but when I walked into her room at Wedgewood (the assisted living facility she spent her last few months in), she wasn't there. I was in the middle of asking the caretakers where exactly my grandmother had gotten to when I heard the faint shuffling of a walker and turned to see Denny's head poking around the corner.

When she saw me, she let out a quiet "oh!" and mumbled something I thought I understood.

"You thought I'd already left?" I asked. She nodded. "Denny, I wouldn't leave without coming to see you! I told you I'd be back today!"

"Oh, I'm so glad," she said, hugging my neck tightly. "I'm so glad."

After Denny's stroke, she had trouble speaking and it was often difficult to understand what she was saying, but there were some things that came out very clearly–like, "I was so mad!" or "I know that!" or "I wish you could stay."

After I found her on that last day, I took her for frozen yogurt. She waited in the car while I was inside trying to determine the perfect Denny-sized amount and knowing that whatever I got would probably be too much. Sure enough–when I handed it to her she said, very clearly, "Oh, this is way too much."

Then she ate all of it.

Denny always made sure that you were okay, that you were never wanting for anything, which is why you could never leave her house empty-handed. You're trying to walk out the door and she's shoving things into your arms–12-packs of soda, boxes of spaghetti mix, rolls of toilet paper, bags of powdered sugar, half a loaf of pound cake. (Of course, you always had to double-check the expiration dates since Denny was a firm believer of "if it's not open, it's still good." Remind me to tell you about the three-year-old grape juice Denny had fermenting in her fridge.)

One Mother's Day, I went over to her house to give her a rose and ended up leaving with five roses she'd cut from her own rosebush. Even on that last day, she handed me a box of animal crackers and a little cup of peanut butter for a snack on my drive back to Austin. She just couldn't help herself. She had so much love to give–and I'm so thankful I was one of the lucky ones that got to be on the receiving end.

I find comfort in the thought that my Denny and D-Dad are together again, that they were only "separated for a season" as the pastor put it. They were married for nearly 63 years and were the cutest. They constantly picked on each other–you know, the way you do when you've been in love with someone for over six decades. They played cards together every single day and Denny would tease D-Dad every time she won (which, despite what either of them might have said, was roughly half the time). Any time Denny got home from being out somewhere (usually TJ Maxx), D-Dad, feigning annoyance, would say, "What took you so long?!"

"Don't you know that's the first thing Art said when she got to Heaven?" Denny's sister Janita (known to us as "Jeter") said before the service. "What took you so long?"

-Maggie

2016

I'm just going to say again what most everyone else has about this year–it [expletive] sucked. Between the election and the horrendous shootings and Aleppo and the beloved celebrity deaths and Brexit and literally everything else, it was just awful. The entire year felt like the flashback portion of some dystopian story–like what George Orwell imagined 1983 to be.

It was a rough year for me personally, too. I went through a really hard break-up, my grandfather passed away and my grandmother's health has been poor, half of my parents' house was destroyed due to negligent contractors, and more that I can't really mention here. I swear I'm not trying to complain (or depress everyone); I'm just trying to be real with you. If I was to average out 2016, it was mostly tough times.

But here I am, on the last day of the year.

This year may have been the hardest of my life, but there were so many good times despite that. I sat down with my journal last night and wrote out every good thing about 2016, and I was so happy (and, frankly, surprised) to find that it took up five whole pages. There is so much good in my life, and that's what this blog is really about. Below is a hodgepodge of the good stuff, so prepare yourself for some serious rambling.

I ventured out of Texas twice this year–once on a road trip to California and then for a weekend in Boise. In state, I vacationed in San Antonio with my family, took a day trip to Houston to see an exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts (and drink the best mimosas ever), and visited Lubbock as often as I could. On a couple of those Lubbock trips, I was able to spend time with my best friend Kiera and her new baby, Andrew, who is very cute and squishy.

Natalie and Dillon stayed with me for a week in March, and we ate a ton of tacos, got tattoos, went kayaking, and danced all night at Barbarella. Natalie visited Austin again with her boyfriend Mikey on their epic #nikeygoeswest road trip in the summer, and Kaylie and Ted stopped for a night on their way back to Portland in the fall.

For my birthday in April, Melany decorated the apartment (complete with Tim Lincecum napkins), and my roommates gave me the only thing I really wanted for my birthday: Drunk Kyle. As a late birthday treat to myself, I got my pictures taken by Chelsea who is as talented as she is sweet. I also started going to therapy in April, and it was the best decision I've ever made. (Shoutout to Alicia, the real MVP of 2016.)

I registered to vote for the first time and was so proud to cast my ballots in the primary and general elections. I celebrated all of my LGBTQIA friends at my first pride parade. I volunteered at the Texas Book Festival, and it was such a cool experience. I can't wait to do it again next year.

I dressed up as super-'90s-civil-rights-activist Hermione for the midnight release of The Cursed Child at BookPeople and handed books out to hundreds of excited kids and adults. (Even though I only get to work at BookPeople one night a week, it's still the coolest thing I get to do.) My book club continued, and we've grown so close over the year. I'm so happy to call them my friends.

I went to a ton of concerts–Vance Joy, The Front Bottoms, The Temper Trap (so good), Mat Kearney, Quiet Company (twice), and The Lumineers (transcendent) to name a few. I caught a few old movies at the Paramount during their Summer Classic Film Series, and saw A Little Night Music and Baskerville at the Austin Playhouse. I also read a lot, of course, and my favorites of the year include Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki, Big Girl by Kelsey Miller, and Lust & Wonder by Augusten Burroughs.

My roommates and I dressed up as the Spice Girls for Halloween and hosted the 2nd Annual Friendsgiving at our apartment. Melany, KaCee, and Kyle (and Gretel) make everyday life so ridiculous and fun, and living with them is my most favorite thing. When I was home for Christmas, I spent some quality time with my little brother, marathoned Christmas episodes of The Simpsons with my dad, and talked with my mom over coffee and pie.

I'm hopeful for 2017. I already have so many plans. Melany, Britny, and I are going to see Mamma Mia! at the end of January, and I already know what my first concert of the year is going to be (hint: it's Quiet Company). I signed up to (finally) take the GRE in February and will be applying to graduate schools in the next few months. I already have three trips planned and will hopefully be traveling out of the U.S. for the first time (hey, Canada!) come March.

Most importantly, I still have my people, my city, and too many books to read. Happy New Year, everyone.

-Maggie

D-Dad Extraordinaire

Today would have been my dear D-Dad's 85th birthday, so in light of that I wanted to share what I wrote for his service at the beginning of October.

If you are here today, you probably knew my grandfather and therefore already know the many wonderful qualities he possessed. I could list them out again–because it could never be said enough what a great man he was–but in lieu of repetition, I would like to share a few fond memories of my D-Dad.

I live in Austin now, but I was lucky enough to live with my grandparents while I attended Texas Tech, and they were the best roommates I've ever had. They helped me through a rough time in my life and loved me when I was particularly unlovable. There was one night (of many nights) that I was up late working on a paper at the kitchen table when D-Dad walked in. It was around 3:30 AM, but rather than scold me for being up so late, he immediately went about making each of us a cup of hot chocolate and sat and talked with me for a little while.

We spent many evenings eating Dairy Queen burgers and watching Wheel of Fortune and seeing who could win between the two of us. I would be ahead throughout the entire game, but on the last puzzle–that would be, like, ten letters long and somehow only have one vowel in it–D-Dad would immediately guess it and he would win. Every single stinking time.

There was another night that we accidentally stayed up until 2 AM watching The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, his favorite movie, and yet another night sitting at the kitchen table talking about what all his kids and grandkids were like when they were younger. It was at the end of that conversation that he said, "You kids don't realize it, but the biggest blessing of all is your grandmother. She is a marvelous woman. I thank God every day for her."

He's not wrong. "Marvelous" is the best word to describe our Denny. But I don't think that D-Dad realized that he was just as wonderful as Denny. You and Denny both are the biggest and best blessings we have ever received. We were so fortunate to love and be loved by you.

I love you, I miss you, and I promise to be careful driving back to Austin.

I wrote that quickly, late the night before the service. I wish that I would've had more time to make it perfect, to list off all of the wonderful and funny things he said and did, but I'd probably still be writing if I'd tried that.

During the service, a pastor at his church spoke about the last time he'd visited D-Dad before he passed. "You would go there to be a blessing and he'd out-bless you," he said, which is my favorite description of D-Dad to date. He was a good man and a great D-Dad.

-Maggie

Lately

● Spring is in full force here in Texas. I can never decide if I like spring or not. On the one hand, there are wildflowers on the sides of the highway, warm breezes, and sundresses. On the other hand, there's a fine layer of yellow covering every outside surface and you haven't stopped sneezing for three weeks.

● I had my first battle with Austin allergies a couple of weeks ago, which morphed into what the doctor at the clinic called a "little bronchitis" that took forever to get rid of.

● The first weekend of April I flew to Lubbock for Denny's surprise 80th birthday party.

● While there, my uncle made me a special cup of tea that was probably mostly whiskey to help me get rid of aforementioned cough. I drank it out of Denny's quilting mug (see above).

● I turned 23 last Thursday and was pleased to find that blink-182 lied to me. People do like you when you're 23.

● I had to work all day on my birthday, but my family had flowers delivered to my work and a coworker gave me her personal copy of one of her favorite books, so it wasn't too bad.

● On Sunday, Melany, Britny, and I went to South Congress Cafe for a belated birthday lunch and really great mojitos. After that, Britny and I spent four hours talking at a coffee shop and getting absolutely no work done.

● Monday night I went to BookPeople to interview for a little part-time job, and was pleasantly surprised to find David Levithan, Ally Carter, and Justine Larbalestier upstairs.

● I got that little part-time job, so now every Thursday and Sunday night will be spent working author events. I am stupidly excited about this.

● Just in the next few weeks, I will meet the winner of the 1979 Nobel Prize in physics, the writer of DCOM Pixel Perfect, and Glenn Close's sister.

How's your life lately?

-Maggie

Looking up

To be honest, I've been feeling a little burnt out. I'm always tired, and the only thing I feel like doing when I'm not at work is sleep. I'm not sure what it is exactly. I think I just need a weekend off. The weekends I haven't had to work, I've either been traveling or entertaining. It's been awhile since I've had a couple days off with no plans, and I'm really, really looking forward to next weekend because of this. Hopefully, I will be able to spend the entirety of it in my pajamas.

Those busy weekends were great though.

One of the weekends between now and the last time I blogged, my family came down for a visit. I took them to some of my very favorite places–Magnolia, the Pedestrian Bridge, South Congress, the Capitol, Pinthouse Pizza, etc. I love showing people Austin, my Austin. I want people to see why I love the city so much (which usually leads to me over-thinking everything and asking, "Are you having fun? Are you really having fun?" about five million times, which is not fun, but I'm working on it). I just want to be the hostess with the mostest, you know?

The two holiday weekends (hooray for bank holidays!) were spent in Lubbock. They were short visits, but I was able to fit a lot in each time. It all felt really normal, like I'd never left. Like I casually slipped into my life of four months ago.

I slept in my old room at Denny and D-Dad's, and one night Julia stayed over too. I played cards, ate at Casa Olé, and made doughnuts. I went to eat with Kiera on her lunch break, and Gabby joined us the second time. I stayed up until two in the morning watching The Treasure of the Sierra Madre with D-Dad. And each time before I left, Denny handed me packages of toilet paper, powdered sugar, cans of soup, cake mix, and more (because she's Denny and that's what she does).

At one point over breakfast, D-Dad pulled out an atlas and showed me every place he'd ever lived, travelled to, and wishes he could travel to. He pointed out a route along the west coast that he'd always wanted to drive, but said that now the trip would be too hard. "I always wanted to, but we made excuses, put it off, and now we can't," he said. "Father Time stops for no one. That's why you should go now. Seize the day. Carpe diem, as they say."

In the end, the busy weekends and tired weekdays are worth it.

-Maggie

2014

A few days ago, I decided that I wouldn't post a recap of 2014, mainly because we are already a week into 2015 and it seemed silly by this point. (2014 was so last year, right?) But after having plans cancelled today on account of freezing rain, I needed a little pick-me-up, and reminiscing on all the good last year brought seemed as good a way as any. Besides, too much happened last year for me to simply let it go without comment. It was a really big year. I think it defies the 365 day boundary that's imposed.

It was a year of change for me–a lot of change. I feel like I should feel a little off-balance, a little dizzy from everything that has happened, but I'm not. I don't know that I've ever felt more here. You know what I mean? I've never felt more aware of my life–everything that has happened, is happening, will happen. There's so much I can do! So many directions my life could take! I'm excited and nervous for all it.

I'm getting ahead of myself though. Let's talk 2014.


In January, I moved into a house with my dear cousin Julia. Our schedules were opposite roughly 92% of the time, but every once in awhile we'd be home at the same time. We'd eat dinner together, vent about our days, or maybe watch a movie. Sometimes we'd make runs to Taco Villa or United in search of the best sugar cookies. It was always fun, and I really wish our time as roommates could have been longer.

The months leading up to my graduation were generally hectic, stressful, and all around exhausting, but it wasn't all bad. I dyed my hair for the first time. On Valentine's Day, Melany, Britny, and I saw Craig Ferguson live and spent the rest of the night dancing at Barbarella. Over spring break, I got to see Mary and meet Whimsy for the first time. Sometime in March, my favorite show ended.

May (finally) rolled around and I graduated with my bachelor's degree. I may have come out bruised and battered (mentally, emotionally, physically) but dammit I did it. It was really difficult for me and I wasn't a star student by any means, but the doing it is reason enough to be proud. I saw it through, toughed it out. I'm very happy I did.

The summer was filled with a lot of trips. Melany and I drove to Arkansas for Shelby and Sam's wedding. After that, I spent a week in Austin as a way to detoxify, to finally rid myself of the stress and anxiety left over from my last few weeks of school. (It was also the week I got my second tattoo.) In July, I drove to Colorado to spend a weekend with Shelby and Dillon, and it was really, really great. In August, I saw Fall Out Boy (again) and Paramore in concert.

All of September and most of October was spent applying for jobs, packing, and saying my goodbyes to Lubbock. (Oh, and I saw Paul freaking McCartney in concert.) Those last two months in Lubbock flew by, and even though I was excited for my move to Austin, everything was going a little too quickly for my liking. It was hard to leave and I miss my friends and family there all the time, but I'm very happy to be in Austin. I love this city, and I have hoped and wished to live here since my eighteenth birthday. Getting to share an apartment with my best friend makes it even better.

After the move, Melany and I went as Wayne and Garth for Halloween. I started my first full-time job, and (thankfully) have really been enjoying it and the people I work with. I was fortunate enough to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and both were wonderful. Then on New Year's Eve I rang in 2015 at 9:00 PM with KaCee and Kyle since they had to work early the next morning, and afterwards Melany and I went to Barbarella for the real thing.

So that's 2014 is a nutshell (a very large nutshell). Overall, it was a great year, and I hope that 2015 follows its lead. Over 300 days of the unknown lay before us. It's pretty daunting, right? We've just got to keep moving forward though. It's not like we really have a choice, but don't be scared! We did the same thing last year.

-Maggie

The Most Wonderful Time

How was everyone's Christmas? Mine was really, really great. Maybe one of the best Christmases ever. I was able to go home for a few days to spend time with my family. Despite my parents still having some shopping to do on Christmas Eve, everything was very relaxed. Everyone was in a good mood (very little squabbling, which is a Christmas miracle all its own) and we spent the days watching our favorite Christmas movies, exchanging gifts, and taking naps.

Christmas is far and away my favorite holiday. Really, it's one of my top five favorite things in life (below Harry Potter, above pajamas). There's just something about it, you know? The music, the twinkling lights, a buzz of anticipation everywhere you go. There's a camaraderie of sorts among strangers. Sure, gift-shopping can get a little hairy, but in general people are good to each other at Christmastime. Everyone shares in the joy and excitement. It's the closest we get to real magic, if you ask me.

At Austin's Trail of Lights in Zilker Park, there is a giant Christmas tree made of lights strung from the top of a moon tower. For some reason, when standing beneath this tree, everyone has a sudden urge to spin around–literally everyone. There were children on their parents' shoulders, elderly couples laughing, middle-aged men spinning as fast as they could. Each person anchored themselves to another, threw their heads back, and spun until they became too dizzy (or fell), cheered on by strangers and friends.

Moments like these–these "love actually is all around" kind of moments–are what help me to remember that, despite how bad things can seem, people are mostly good. Life is mostly good.

I hope you had a very merry Christmas. Here's to the new year!

-Maggie

Casual Thursday

Last Thursday, standing in the back office about an hour into my early morning shift at work, I received a life-changing text from my uncle: Forgot that I have ONE ticket to Paul McCartney tonight at 8. If you or you know anyone in our family who wants to go they can have the ticket.

No big deal. Just an extra ticket to see Paul McCartney for the first time in Lubbock, Texas, a.k.a the birthplace of Buddy Holly and the Crickets, a.k.a. the whole reason The Beatles were even called The Beatles in the first place. But, I mean, it's casual.

I had toyed with the idea of buying a ticket when they originally went on sale, but couldn't justify spending the money when I was supposed to be saving for Austin. Now it was the day of the concert and he was offering to just give me a ticket? Uh, hell yeah, I'll go!

The whole experience was very surreal. There was Beatle, in the flesh, right in front of me. (I mean, all I had to do was jump from the balcony, hurdle some barricades, fight off a couple of security guards, scale the side of the stage, and I could have touched him. Sir Paul!) The man is seventy-two years old, and he sang for nearly three hours without a break. I didn't even see him take a sip of water. He is a machine.

It was really, truly amazing. Let me tell you, hearing "Hey Jude" live with an arena full of people singing along is not something I'll soon forget.

-Maggie

An Apology

Well, it's October. You know what that means. My last day at United is eighteen days away, and I leave for Austin five days after that. Only twenty-three days left in Lubbock.

This is all very surreal. I've been dreaming and talking about moving to Austin for so long, but it somehow still managed to sneak up on me. As excited as I am, there is a part of me that is sad to leave Lubbock. I don't think anyone believes me when I say that, but I really am sad. I don't blame them though because, as you may remember, I complained about living here. A lot.

My first semester at Tech was good as far as school goes, but the three after that were very difficult for me. For some reason, in my head, everything that went wrong during that time was because of Lubbock. I thought, If I wasn't stuck in Lubbock, things would be better. This, of course, was not the case. It had nothing to do with the place, I was just struggling with school. College overall was hard for me as we've discussed, and during that time I didn't make it any easier on myself.

There were a lot of ways that I made myself unhappy. I let myself become a very bitter and cynical person, and that was a person not very many people liked. I isolated myself. It took awhile for me to realize what an idiot I was being, how rude and selfish I'd become. Once I'd come around, I felt properly terrible about my behavior. There are thousands of people that love this little city, that grew up here, and I had spent a lot of energy belittling and mocking their home. What a jerk, right?

I had been disregarding all the good, and there has been a lot of good that has come out of my stay in Lubbock. I lived with my wonderful grandparents. I had all my aunts, uncles, and cousins nearby. I earned a degree in something I love. I had a good job that I enjoyed. I shared a house with my dear cousin–something we never thought we'd actually get to do. I made new friends, great friends. I regret that three semester period that I took all this for granted. I am going to miss all of these things, and am really, truly sad to leave it.

Please consider this my formal apology to the city of Lubbock. You're not so bad, LBK. Also, to anyone who ever had to read or listen to my incessant complaints–thanks for sticking around and loving me through it.

-Maggie

To be fair

After finishing work up in New Mexico, I drove back to Lubbock, repacked, and immediately got back in the car to drive home to Albany. On Saturday, my mom, siblings, Keren, and I took a trip to the fair.

The fair is always fun, especially if you like spending an inordinate amount of money and don't mind feeling nauseated. It sounds like I'm complaining, but I promise I'm not. I had a great time riding rides and running through fun houses with my siblings, and gladly spent fifty dollars on giant turkey legs, fancy sodas, bags of cotton candy, and the best damn funnel cakes I've ever had. Seriously, I'd go back every night just for some more funnel cake.

-Maggie

Instagram Recap: Summertime

For me, the end of summer has always come with the end of August. This probably has something to do with being in school for the last seventeen years, but September 1st is Officially Fall in my books. (Even though it's not really Officially Fall until September 23rd, and even then doesn't feel like fall until the end of October, but whatever.)

So to send off the season, I decided to recap by sharing my favorite pictures from the last three months. It's been a pretty good one.

As fun as this way, I am always and forever ready for fall, and I have a feeling this one will be especially great. I hope you had a great summer as well!

-Maggie

2013

2013 was a good year. I was optimistic as 2012 ended, and it paid off. I'm so much happier than I was last year. I'm looking forward to the future, but don't see it as an escape anymore, and that is something I'm very thankful for. At the end of last year, I was extremely unhappy with school and Lubbock. While I am still excited to graduate soon/never live in Lubbock again, I'm no longer embittered. Sure, college hasn't been a barrel of laughs and, yeah, Lubbock's not for me, but that's no reason to be a dick about it. C'mon, Past Maggie.

The year started off great with a short trip to Austin and visit from Shelby (a.k.a. the Tina to my Amy). Then school started again, and while I had classes and professors that I enjoyed, it still wasn't the best semester. In February, Fall Out Boy made my life (and everyone else's), KaCee and I drove to Austin for Melany's twenty-first birthday, and I found this awesome spoken word poem (which is definitely worth noting in this recap). March brought Spring Break, and Melany, KaCee, Husmann, and I were reunited for the first time since September for the Mystical Road Trip of Magic and Wonder, Part II. A wonderful trip full of four-wheeler riding, gun shooting, and tequila drinking.

I turned twenty-one in April, which I celebrated with a weeklong trip to Austin. This included seeing Two Door Cinema Club in concert, which was fantastic. Fall Out Boy's Save Rock and Roll also came out in April, and it has my vote for Best Album of 2013. I also made friends in April. By that I mean I hung out with work friends outside of work, and they have definitely made Lubbock a much better place. So thanks to Kiera, Angie, Gabby, Austin, Brannon, and so on for being my bros.

In May, another less than stellar semester ended, but my professor did the coolest thing and I drank several margaritas. The next month, Britny and I got our Harry Potter tattoos. The next day we saw Fall Out Boy in concert and it was easily one of the greatest moments of my life. In July, I got to spend two whole weeks in my favorite place with my very favorite people.

August saw the start of the best semester I've had since I started college. I had wonderful classes and professors that reminded me why I loved school in the first place, and I can only hope my last semester is half as good as this one was. I drove to Austin to celebrate Britny's twenty-first birthday in September, and was reminded of all the silly things I'll miss once I move to Austin. October and November were primarily focused on school, but I did dress up as Kevin from Up for Halloween, and that was fun.

December, always one of my favorite months, did not disappoint. After finishing school, I drove to Austin for another visit which included a Frightened Rabbit show and kayaking. I went home for the week of Christmas and it was wonderful. Originally, my dad was supposed to work on Christmas Day, but his boss texted him late on Christmas Eve and said his shift was covered. Late Christmas night, KaCee, Melany, and I bundled up and went stargazing.

I'm ending this year in a much better mindset than I ended the last. I'm even more optimistic about 2014 than I was about 2013. My cousin Julia and I are moving into a house this weekend. I graduate in May. I'm (finally) moving to Austin in October.

2014 is going to be big, guys.

-Maggie